


Christmas Mourning

by charons_boat



Series: Santa Baby, Comin' Down the Chimney Tonight [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band), NCT (Band), The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Bells, Black out shopping, Candles, Candy Canes, Cashiers, Christmas Caroling, Christmas Desserts, Christmas Eve, Christmas Lights, Christmas Presents, Christmas Themes, Confusion, Decorating, Dinner, Disappearing, Garlands, Gifts, Gingerbread Houses, Holly - Freeform, Hot Chocolate, Invitation, Kind Of A Date, Kisses, Lights, Lunch date, M/M, Meeting Friends, Mentioned Ji Changmin | Q, Mistletoe, Mittens - Freeform, Mystery Men, New Friends, New Years, Ornaments, Reminders, Seasonal cafe, Snow, Storm - Freeform, Strangers, Tasty Food, The Nutcracker, Worry, being invited to dinner, black tree, blizzard, christmas day, forgot this earlier but, ignorance, loss of friendship, poinsettias, popcorn strings, ride home, snacks, something finally actually happens, unconcious purchase
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21772969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charons_boat/pseuds/charons_boat
Summary: Kevin had never celebrated holidays unless he was forced to. He didn't see the point, not when there was so much work for so little reward.It didn't stop his friends from coercing him into caroling with them that year.
Relationships: Heo Hyunjoon | Hwall/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin
Series: Santa Baby, Comin' Down the Chimney Tonight [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077188
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. Goddamn ye merry gentlemen

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Christmas fic this year!! It's the first time I've written one, actually, so I'm really excited!! Please enjoy it, even if it doesn't end happily!! (don't worry though, the title refers to a different kind of mourning, no one dies!!)
> 
> Also, sorry for the cursing in the title, it's song lyrics!! Probably all my chapter titles will come from songs, the work title is from Red Water by Type O Negative!!

I had been expecting to stay home. It was cold outside, though there was no snow, and, well, I'd never done well in the cold. December had just begun, bringing with it the promise of eventual snow and Christmas celebration everywhere. Cafes would have holiday specials and couple specials, lights would be strung on banisters and along the edges of ceilings, trees would be put up and decorated. There would be banners and parades and carolers going around, and I intended to ignore it all. I'd never been one of those people that celebrated every holiday. I ignored Valentine's and Christmas because they were cold and tedious, skipped Easter because it was usually raining and I wasn't a kid, hadn't been for a long time, and I only begrudgingly celebrated Thanksgiving because of free food and the desire to be around my friends, even if it was under the pretense of a special day. Honestly, those were all just excuses. I didn't celebrate because I didn't see the point. It was so much work, and none of it was even that entertaining or interesting. And I hated being forced to do things, so I usually locked myself up in my house during holidays, wanting to avoid the holiday spirit.

I hadn't wanted to go caroling. My friends had been pestering me about it since last month, less than two weeks away from the new month. I'd denied their offers over and over. I could sing, and I could do it well. But Christmas songs were always so cheesy, and the thought of walking through the cold was not very appealing. I preferred to sing in karaoke bars or for games at a friend's house. This year was especially cold for some reason, and it was windy too. The weather report had said _0.5°C, feels like -6°C_. It was barely above freezing, and felt colder. I thought it was ridiculous that my friends wanted to go sing on the doorsteps of random strangers.

And yet, they insisted. Eventually, I had refused enough that they decided to go to extreme measures. Baekhyun and Jongdae took him to a bar and got me just drunk enough to agree. I'd recorded a video and everything, addressed to myself. _Go caroling,_ I'd said, _it's gonna be really fun. Plus, they promised you not to ask again for five years! Major bonus!_ Though, it'd been slurred a little, and I had to rewatch it twice before fully understanding what had been done while I was drunk last night. I agreed to go caroling. And yeah, I usually would've been more careful about drinking, but work had been really hard recently. Being part cashier, part security for the town's biggest grocery store was hard. My job was to make sure everyone paid correctly while assuring that nothing was stolen. It usually wasn't hard, but I still hadn't recovered from Black Friday and almost everyone else had taken breaks. They were severely understaffed, and management just couldn't find the time to bring in any new people. Three people tried to steal bread loaves. I've had to chase three people into the parking lot with alarms sounding behind him. I'd tackled an old woman. I was tired, so allowed myself to drink more than usual.

And getting drunk led to this. Sitting on the couch, sweating in my layers. Eric and Yeosang should be here soon. The others would be gathered along the way, and they'd start in Jongho's neighborhood, make their way down to Taeil and Donghyuck's, eventually making the treck back towards Byeongkwan, Jungkook, and I's neighborhood. There were a lot of neighborhoods to go through between Jongho and I's streets. I was sure the only thing I was going to get out of this endeavour was a sore throat, maybe a cold, and a day of irritation that would stay in my memory for a long time. I was right. My throat did end up a little sore.

The short, two-tone ring of my doorbell reverberated through the single-story home, and I stood up too quickly, evident in the fuzziness present in my head and sight. It rang again and I shook my head, walking unsteadily to the door. By the time I'd travelled the ten foot distance, I was walking right again. I opened it and noticed that Eric's hair was blond. He must've dyed it recently, and Yeosang must've done it with him, because his hair was also blond, though it had a hint of orange peachiness to it. I wondered if any of the others had dyed their hair recently. Maybe it'd been a group project, one I'd missed out on. I wouldn't be surprised, though I wasn't sure I'd have agreed to let them dye my black hair anything other than possibly brown.

"C'mon, Kev, we don't have all day! It'll be dusk before we get started at this rate, let's go! The others are waiting," Eric said, chastising me as I slowly put my shoes on. I figured that if I was going to come, I might as well get a little fun out of it and make them wait. It'd serve them right for making me drunk-promise to come. By the time I stood up again, Yeosang and Eric's feet were tapping against the floor impatiently, out of time with each other, only syncing occasionally before falling out again. Eric grabbed my hand and dragged me through my own front door; I barely had time to grab my keys and lock the door. I sat heavily in the middle seat of the second row, arms crossed. They went in reverse of the caroling route, picking up participants as they went. Byeongkwan and Jungkook were waiting at the end of Kook's driveway, chatting to each other. They were neighbors, on the other side of the street farther down their neighborhood. Jungkook was dark-haired as usual, though Byeongkwan seemed to have gone cherry red in spirit of the upcoming holiday. Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and Jongdae were roommates, sharing a two story house with four bedrooms. Kyungsoo had buzzed his hair a month and a half ago, and was apparently letting it grow out instead of keeping it short. It was black as usual. Like Jungkook, he wasn't much for odd hair colors. Jongdae's hair, out of the norm for him, was curly _and_ black, while Baekhyun was silver. Eric and Yeosang lived between Taeil and Kyungsoo's streets. Taeil had another awkward haircut, a weird shade of brown that was light and a little orange, maybe? It was better than his almost-neon blond phase. Donghyuck was sporting a rainbow of streaks in his light brown hair, a better shade than his father's. Donghyuck would be ten next year. Last in the car were Jongho, the stocky man a dark brunet, and a tall stranger with hair almost as red as Byeongkwan's. His name was Song Mingi, apparently, and everyone described him as an angel. His friend Yunho, who was just as tall with black hair, had volunteered to drive the car around for them once they started caroling. Byeongkwan was in the middle seat up front, the one usually hidden by the consol. Hyuck was in Taeil's lap to my left, Baekhyun in Kyungsoo's to the right. Jungkook, Jongdae, Jongho, and Mingi were squeezed into the back row, Yunho crouching at the end of the middle row with a large hand wrapped around the moveable armrest. It was a very tight fit.

Yeosang drove back up the street and parked, unlocking the doors before stepping out of the black van and walking around to the trunk. He grabbed folders of music as we clambered out of the car. It was even worse to be in the wind again after being seated in the warm can for so long. Yeosang, ever the music teacher, handed out parts. He'd apparently assigned parts before-hand, though I hadn't seen any of the music yet as a result of agreeing to participate so late. Regardless, he'd figured out what parts I'd be most comfortable singing and gave me those. I mumbled the words as our group shuffled along to the first house. We sang Joy to the World first. It went downhill from there (though I did improve in singing the songs as the morning went on).

By the time we were back in my neighborhood, I was dead on my feet. Yunho was in the van at the end of the street, waiting for everyone that didn't live on this street to be finished so he could drive them home. I really didn't want to sing anymore. I just wanted to go home, eat some ramen, and sleep until January began.

But then, Taeil knocked on the next door. It was right next to my house, and I wasn't sure anyone lived there. But then the door opened, and I remembered idly that someone _did_ live there, had moved in at the beginning of November. We started singing 12 Days of Christmas, and I swear I was about to start along with the others, but I blinked and glanced at my neighbor for a second, and my throat closed up. I'd never met him before, but I wish I'd taken the initiative to meet him before this exact moment, because now, this devastatingly cute noiret was going to remember me as "that guy that came by caroling, with a red nose, wrapped in three to five layers".

I was finally able to start singing, though I was unable to take my eyes off of him. His dark hair was lightly curled, though I couldn't tell if it was natural or from a curling iron. It looked good either way. He was smiling as he looked down at us, his eyes nearly disappearing at the times it got really big. It was still a few weeks out of Christmas, but he was wearing a Christmas sweater regardless. It was black, with grey reindeer and white snowflakes. I wasn't sure if he was going anywhere or if he just liked wearing sweaters, but he apparently didn't care about being judged on his early Christmas spirit if the red and white hat on his head was anything to go by.

And then, he looks at me, blinks a few times, his smile dimming before shifting into something softer and kinder. His gaze stays on me as I stumble through lyrics, glancing between him and the folder in front of me. I was finding it very difficult to keep his gaze. Honestly, though he looked like he had the potential to be and probably was the kindest person in the world, he intimidated me. He was taller than me for one thing, and his eyes were just dark and piercing while also being impossibly, unbearably warm. Like he was looking at someone he had cared about for a long time and just been reunited with and was now trying to understand. But I was neither of those, so I was confused and lost.

Soon enough, we finished, thanked him, and started to leave. His voice stopped us in our places.

"Are you going to come back?"

We turned, but he was looking at me. I pressed my lips together and glanced at my house, then at my friends and the tall man with red hair, the one I hadn't known before.

"Well, yeah. I-I live next door," I said weakly. He raises an eyebrow at me before smiling amusedly.

"Ah, yes. I think I remember seeing you leave a few times... I forgot because you never said anything," he said. His eyes glinted with barely restrained mirth. Before I could say anything, he spoke again. "My name is Hyunjoon. It was nice meeting you, Kevin. You sing very well, even wrapped up so much."

We shuffled away, the group dragging me along with them despite my hushed protest. They laughed at me and we finished the street. Yunho was waiting at the end with Yeosang and Eric's van. We dumped the folders into the box in the back and Jungkook, Byeongkwan, and I said goodbye to everyone, thanking Yeosang and Eric for the invitation and Yunho for driving. We walked down the street, Byeongkwan branching off to go to his house with a wave after the first three houses. Jungkook gave me a highfive and pulled me into a hug, and I was reminded why I never hugged the guy. He was a lot stronger than his loose clothes let on. I nodded to him as he walked away, continuing down the street to his house. I walked up to my house, glancing over at Hyunjoon's house when I was on my porch. I sighed, because despite his question, he was nowhere to be seen.

I unlocked the door and walked in, toeing my shoes off and unraveling my layers. About twenty minutes later, I was back in my single layer of pajamas, an old tee from my dad and a pair of worn sweatpants. I stared at the TV without really watching, letting my mind wander. It kept going back to the noiret, my neighbor.

I should've gone and met him before today.

_How did he know my name?_


	2. Giant snowflakes fill Fifth Avenue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin was an avid snack eater, but as of right now, there were none to be found. 
> 
> He should really watch the news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you can guess the first mystery man, but who's the second?? 👀

It was warm in my house, just like it should be on such a cold day. A few days had passed since the caroling incident, and there'd been no contact from Hyunjoon. I didn't know if that was good or bad. 

What was more important was that I was hungry, but I didn't feel like making real food. I wanted a snack, which was usually okay. I usually had a lot of snacks scattered around my kitchen and pantry. But, as I continued to open cabinets and drawers, I realized there was an increasing lack of anything snack related. Not even any empty wrappers to fool me before I picked them up. I was out of snacks. The realization crushed me, and I ran to put on my shoes and a jacket, making sure to grab my wallet. The door is opened, locked, used, and closed, and suddenly I'm outside, walking down the sidewalk to the convenience store a few blocks down in the noble pursuit of snacks. It's cold, of course, but it's also snowing a little bit. For a moment, I wonder if I should go back inside, suffer through the snack famine in silence. But then I feel another pang of hunger and I push through, walking faster. 

The store, thankfully, is open. The two employees working the store glance up as I walk through the door, setting off the bell attached to it, and the one with dark hair is vaguely familiar. But I'm more focused on getting snacks and getting out than on figuring out where I might know that dark hair and kind smile from. The cashier with white hair comes up to me and asks if I need help, and I agree. I don't really know what I want, so I just buy what he suggests. Fruit snacks, mostly. He suggests the gummy candies and they look so good I decide I need to buy at least one of every type similar. Peach rings, gummy worms and sharks, I even buy circus peanuts, which aren't gummies, but are still tasty. It's hard not to cringe at the bill, but I can't stop my face from falling when I see the amount of snow falling from the sky outside. I should've stayed home. Hell, I should've watched the weather report, especially because it's really starting to become winter now and snow is an ever-more likely occurrence. 

Storms scare me. Not all storms, of course, mostly the really bad ones and pretty much all winter storms. I hate snow, a lot, and I always get scared that I'm going to get stuck or lost. I was scared now, because this storm was really bad and getting worse. The cashiers must have noticed my hesitation to go outside again, because they approached me. 

"Hey, you want us to walk you home? We've gotta close up anyways," the white-haired, blue-eyed cashier said. I glanced at him, seeing that he'd changed into tan pants and a blue hoodie. I bit my lip and nodded, tightening my grip on my bags of snacks. I walked out the door and the noiret closed it after me, making sure the door was locked. I took a breath and was about to step into the snow when the man on my left grabbed my hand. I stared at our hands, then looked up into his dark eyes. He gave me a small, reassuring smile, and my fear was eased. They would keep me safe. I let go to slide the bags onto my arms and took his hand in mine again. It was warm, like putting your hands near a fire. The other man took my right hand, and his was very cold. I was confused as to why I couldn't place the darker haired man, because I was sure I knew him. Maybe I was too cold to function properly. 

It's hard to walk through the strong, freezing cold winds, harder to see through the big, blinding white snowflakes falling thick and fast from the clouds far above. I'd have been lost if I was alone. The warm and cold hands pressed against mine reminded me of that constantly, any time my mind tried to scare me again. When I get home, I unlock the door and open it, turning around with the intention of asking the cashiers to come in and warm up, ride out the storm. But no one is there. Worried, I venture to the edge of my porch and look out into the blustery weather, but I can't see much. All I see are footprints leading away from my porch, quickly being filled, and a light off to my right. Does Hyunjoon have his door open? The vague light disappears as soon as I look towards it. Still worried but getting colder by the second, especially without the warmth of the noiret's hand, I walk into my house and shut the door. I lean against the door for a moment before pushing myself up and off and wandering into the living room. 

The warmth of my house is already bringing prickles of painful heat to my cheeks, and I let my bags drop onto the table. I open up a bag of gummy worms and just start eating, not really paying attention to what was going on around me. I was still too cold to really process anything more than the comfortable temperature of my house or the raging winds outside. Eventually, I decide I'm just tired and would really like to go to sleep. So I do, leaving the unopened snacks and empty bag on the table in favor of climbing into my bed and curling up. Sleep is quick to come, especially under the warm blankets. 

I can hear bells when I wake up. I'm not sure if they were what woke me, but I can't stop the curiosity that leads me to the window. Feeling puzzled and less bleary by the second, I lean closer, unsure if I'm hallucinating or not. I glance down, at the snow covering the ground, and I'm almost certain I wouldn't be able to open my door because of it. It even looks like it's high enough to block off the view from the bottom half of the windows downstairs. So why is there a vaguely person shaped blob playing and jumping around in the snow? And are there bells on their Christmas hat? My next decision involves the conviction that the person must be crazy and I should go check on them. 

It's colder downstairs than I'd like it to be, and I make a detour to turn up the thermostat. Glancing outside, I realize I could open my door, it just wouldn't be a good idea. I was right about the snow covering the bottom of my window, though. I can't see out of the bottom four inches for the snow piled up against them. Glancing outside, I can see that the person is gone now. Their bells are quiet now. 

Nothing was stirring outside. Not even a mouse.


	3. Something that makes you feel apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin doesn't really like hot chocolate or cider. Hyunjoon tries to change his mind. 
> 
> (Kevin still doesnt like hot cider though)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of actually smushed a few scene ideas into one, so it's gonna end up shorter by a chapter or two. Will fix the chapter count sometime later!!

The snow melted rather quickly, and I suppose it must have been because of the relative time of the season; they weren't terribly deep in it, so the sudden warmth (it really only got a few degrees above freezing, just enough to melt a majority of the snow) hadn't been that unreasonable. Some people, in fact, had seen it as an exercise opportunity. I would never understand the women that insisted on going for morning jogs no matter the weather or season.

Afterwards, the bells ring often. Some people hear high pitched tones, going on without an end in sight. Others hear random buzzing, or voices saying their names; the second one is actually supposed to be a sign that you're healthy, so it probably doesn't really count. I hear bells. More specifically, I hear sleigh bells. It's hard to discern the difference at first, but after hearing them at seemingly random times during his days and nights, it becomes easy to tell that these bells are more melodic and soothing, somehow, than the normal bells rung by Salvation Army people.

It wasn't as bad now as it was at first. Before, it was annoying, but now, for some reason, I can't help but think that… I wouldn't be able to sleep without hearing them.

That, however, does not explain the footprints in my yard, both from barefoot humans and what looks like reindeer. Some hooved animal. I am, however, more worried about who's wandering barefoot in my front and backyard in the middle of the night, risking hypothermia. It's only the tenth of the month. Surely people aren't going crazy enough to do something like walk barefoot through their neighbors yard, right?

That train of thought, a common one in the past few days, is interrupted by a knock on my door. Startled, I jump and yelp, blushing slightly when I hear a giggle coming from outside. _Who do I know that giggles?_ Distracted, I open the door and come face-to-face with a familiar noiret. I stare dumbly for a moment before waving slightly.

"Uhm, hey, Hyunjoon. I uh, didn't expect you to be… here?" He raises an eyebrow at me and laughs again, thoroughly amused, apparently. He waves back, a smile still playing on his lips.

"Hi, Kevin," he says, as if it's the most natural thing in the world; it is, but somehow his neighbor makes everything seem more magical than it has any right to be. I blink at him, slightly stunned for a moment, before coughing into my hand and stepping out of the way of the door.

"Uhm, would you like to come in," I ask, hoping equal parts that he will answer with yes and no. He shakes his head, still smiling.

"No, that's fine. I just wanted to see if you'd like to come to a cafe with me? It's one of those seasonal ones, and I haven't been to one before, so I thought maybe you could go with me and show me what they're like," he says casually. His eyes, however, completely betray how excited he is. They are literally sparkling. His dark eyes are somehow lighter with even the small hope that I'll go with him to one of those stupid cafes. Of course, I will, because I don't think it's really possible for anyone to deny Hyunjoon when he looks as excited as he is now.

"Uhm, yeah, sure. I'll just go change real quick, and-"

"No, don't," he shouts. I blink at him, shocked and confused. He fidgets nervously with his mittened-hands. He's blushing, I realize, though he tries to hide it by looking at the ground and letting his bangs cover his face. He's got red and white earmuffs on, reasonable because of the cold, along with a green sweater, black skinny jeans, and his black overcoat. "Uhm, I just meant, you look fine right now! The sooner we go, the sooner we get to enjoy Christmas snacks, right?" He's definitely nervous, and it's really cute. I glance down, wondering what about my outfit makes him think I look 'fine'. I'm in black sweatpants that are much too big and a grey hoodie. My slippers are old and worn out, and I should probably invest in new ones, actually. I glance back up at him, inquisitive but still unable to say no.

"Well, okay then. I'll just put on a jacket, I guess," I mumble, pulling on a thick black coat and switching my slippers out for real shoes. Locking the door, I walk out onto the porch and look at him. He's looking at my hands, currently shoved into my pockets.

"You don't even have any mittens," he mutters. I shrug, starting to walk off the porch. I cringe as the hems of my sweatpants drag along the snow. They're going to be so wet by the time we get there if he's talking about the cafe I think he is. I'd visited it once, during the winter of my first year here. I hadn't really enjoyed the menu, but there was no saying it was still the same. Hyunjoon scrambles to catch up to me, almost falling down the steps of my porch.

As we walk, he keeps looking at my hands. I wondered if he was really that bothered by my lack of mittens. I hoped not. If he was, I'd feel compelled to buy some because Hyunjoon and disappointed just didn't belong in the same sentence, and mittens kind of disgusted me. Mostly in the way my hands became pretty much nonfunctional when I wore them. He didn't say anything about it again, not even when we were seated in the cafe. A waiter came over to take our orders.

"Hello, I'm Changmin, are you ready to order?"

"Yes, thank you. I'll have a hot chocolate, extra whip, and do you have candy canes," Hyunjoon asked. The waiter nodded, jotting the noiret's order down before reaching into one of his apron pockets and pulling out a red and white candy cane. Hyunjoon smiled and set it next to his set of silverware.

"I'll just have a black coffee and a blueberry muffin, thank you," I said. The waiter nodded and walked away after writing it down. Hyunjoon, unlike the waiter, commented on my order.

"Don't you want anything more… Christmas-y? I mean, that's kinda the whole point of this cafe," Hyunjoon said. I shook my head, and he just stared at me. Confusion flitted across my face. "I- I'm not sure I understand. I mean, I invited you to a seasonal cafe, but you don't want any of their seasonal options? How does that even…" he trailed off into silence, arms crossed as he stared out the large windows. They were decorated with green lengths of garland and little lights. The waiter came back with our orders, telling us he'd be back with the bill later. Hyunjoon immediately sits up, unwrapping the candy cane and dipping it in his drink. He licks the sweet drink off the candy and points the colorful stick at me accusingly while I sip on my coffee.

"Are you sure you don't want any of my hot chocolate? Or the candy cane," he asks, sounding vaguely incredulous. Or maybe it was my brain trying to ignore how utterly disappointed the attractive man was with me. I shook my head. He threw his arms up, almost losing his candy, and jabbed the miniature cane into his hot chocolate again, obviously upset. "Well, why not?" I was tempted not to respond to his demand out of spite, but I just shrugged.

"I've never really… been much on Christmas foods and drinks. I don't like how weird or sweet most of it is, I guess," I said. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"But you literally just bought multiple bags of gummy snacks the other day? What happened to those," he asked.

"Well, I haven't eaten all of them yet, but that's a different kind of sweet. It's not overly sweet. I-"

"Well, that is a valid reason, though somehow I feel like you aren't really telling me the complete truth," Hyunjoon said, leaning back in his chair and staring at me. I was shocked, because yeah, it wasn't really that it was too sweet, I just didn't like holiday things- but Hyunjoon couldn't have known that. How did he know? "But, I happen to make really good hot chocolate. Let's go to my place so I can make some for you, I'm sure it'll change your mind." I was going to protest, but he was already calling Changmin over, paying and apologizing for eating so little of our orders. He mentioned that neither of us had really touched our orders, and Changmin could, if he wanted, eat and drink them himself if he wanted. He waved it off and said goodbye cheerfully, though he was… nicer, maybe, to Hyunjoon. I wondered if he was upset about my order like Hyunjoon. I couldn't bring myself to care as Hyunjoon wrapped my hand up in his.

I kind of hyper fixated on how warm his hand was, even with the barrier of his mitten in the way. I had to admit, the mittens looked really cute on him, and I supposed that if he could handle it without being annoyed, they probably weren't all that bad. Though, he did seem like a person with a lot of patience, unless someone had an aversion to Christmas themed beverages and foods. The trip to his house seemed faster than the trip to the cafe had been. It was probably because I wasn't really paying attention, more focused on the beautiful warmth of the noiret's hand in mine. He unlocked his door and told me to make myself comfortable as he slid off his shoes and shed his jacket and mittens. I completed the same process as him, kind of astonished by the amount of decoration I could see in his house. There were strings of light and little candles shaped like pinecones. I saw a few pictures of poinsettias, and wondered if they were maybe his favorite plant. Off in the corner sat his Christmas tree, already decorated. The lights were off.

Wandering into the kitchen, I get the visual of Hyunjoon puttering around, grabbing cups and candy canes and a bunch of other things-is that coffee creamer? I just kind of stand off to the side, not wanting to intrude despite having been invited by Hyunjoon. I kind of get lost in my own mind watching him, confused as to why he was working so hard for hot chocolate. Most people just heated up water in a cup in the microwave, mixed in the powder and called it good. Hyunjoon, though, he warmed up milk in a pan on his stove, used chocolate from a container instead of a paper packet, and that did look suspiciously like coffee creamer, but he didn't seem to have a coffee machine so I was confused about why he had it in the first place. As it was, I got distracted and didn't catch him finishing the beverage. One minute he was busily focusing on his hot chocolate, and the next he was standing in front of me, hands extended to offer me the mug of hot chocolate. I took it apprehensively, surprised by multiple things. There seemed to be more marshmallows than drink, and it also wasn't exactly hot chocolate colored, a bit too light to be immediately identified as the beverage in question. There was a red and white candy cane sticking out of the cup, and Hyunjoon looks so pitifully nervous and excited that I can't help but take the mug in my hands, trying to ignore the way his fingers brush against mine. I'm only here because he thinks I'm ridiculous for not liking hot chocolate and candy canes, and he wants to prove to me that I'm wrong.

Despite past experience screaming at me that I'm not going to like this, I take a sip anyways. I don't think I could take the disappointment I knew would be on his face if I didn't. It doesn't taste like I expected. It's chocolatey, of course, but there's also a hint of vanilla and carmel, and just the slightest bit of mint from the candy cane.

"Is there… coffee creamer in this," I ask. He nods, biting his lip. He's still nervous. Carefully, I take the candy cane out, trying not to get any hot chocolate on his floor. I lick it, taking a few moments to process before cleaning all the hot chocolate off of it. I'd always hated candy canes, mint flavored or otherwise, but for some reason, it was okay now. "You know, Hyunjoon, I've uhm, I've never really liked hot chocolate, or candy canes, but… well yours is okay. It's-" I pause to take another sip, not realizing it was almost half gone already from my constant sipping. "It's really good actually. So, uhm, thanks for this, I guess. You didn't have to…" He smiled at me, and I was frozen in place. I nearly dropped his mug. The smile took over his entire face, betraying just how happy he was. He was like the physical embodiment of joy.

Too soon, I was trudging back to my house. Later on, candy canes would remind me of Hyunjoon, as would poinsettias, mittens, hot chocolate, and pinecone candles. The poinsettia that would end up in my living room would be an impulse purchase, as would the 73 pinecone-shaped candles; I don't really recall the second purchase. It was kind of an impulse buy, I assume, and I must have told them I didn't need a receipt, because I couldn't find one. I'm 97% sure I bought one of every scent, though I wasn't sure that one store would've had so many scents. Maybe I'd gone to multiple stores.

The mittens were a different story. They arrived in a small box, wrapped in pretty paper, with a tag that said 'From Hyunjoon, to Kevin'. When I took it inside and opened it, I found a pair of mittens, striped in red and white. There was no size tag, and I wondered if Hyunjoon knew I took all the tags out of my gloves because I hated the way they felt. They fit perfectly when I put them on, and I realized they were on the wrong hands when I noticed the gold embroidery around the bottom edges. I switched them and read the words, blushing immediately. The left one simply had my name in a fancy, almost cursive script, while the second said 'My Winter Moon' with the outline of a heart at the end. I couldn't help but wear them everywhere I went afterwards, though I was never able to explain them without blushing, so I didn't explain to anyone. I made sure to hide the gold embroidery on them, feeling that it was much too embarrassing and that I'd never get away with not explaining if someone were to see it.


	4. Everything's so tinsel bright and new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin doesn't have a Christmas tree. Does that stop him from accepting Hyunjoon's offer to decorate it with him? No. No it does not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to state that this entire fic is completely excessive. Don't question why he's able to eat like nearly thirty gingerbread people without dying. There's a reason but I'm not telling.

My house, compared to every other house on the street, was dim and dull. Closer to an unoccupied house than one being currently lived in. However, like it had happened so many times, those around him seemed insistent on changing my ways and engaging me in every Christmas activity that could possibly be thought of. Which is the only way to explain what's happening right now.

Hyunjoon works in the convenience store, apparently. It's the thirteenth, currently only two days since I'd last seen my neighbor. I'd come on a trip for easy breakfast foods, having run out without realizing it. When I got to the counter, Hyunjoon greeted me enthusiastically and checked me out-my box of marshmallow cereal and half-gallon of milk, that is. I turned to leave and was quickly stopped by Hyunjoon leaning over the counter and grabbing my arm. I didn't realize he was a touchy person.

"Wait, Kevin, uhm. Do you have any plans for Christmas," he'd asked.

"Uh, no. Why," I'd said in response, confused when a big smile spread over his face.

"Really? No dinner with friends or something," he'd asked, sounding more hopeful than confused. I shook my head. "Great! Have you not had time to decorate yet? I noticed your house is, uhm, kinda… not Christmas-y? I figured maybe you'd like some help, if that was the case. It is a rather big house for one person to decorate on their own."

I just kind of stared at him and thought, _do I really want him to see how unfestive my house is?_ I was also thinking about how cute he was looking so excited, and how warm his hand was even through the sleeve of my jacket, but no one needs to know that. Then, of course, there was the question of whether I wanted my house decorated in the first place. My gut reaction was usually a resounding, very confident, _no._ This time though, it was verging on a reluctant but enthusiastic _yes._

"Well, I mean… I guess? If you really want to, that should be fine," I murmured, scratching my neck as I looked at the floor.

"Awesome! So, how about 4ish? I'll be off work by then, and we can use the rest of the day to decorate," he exclaimed excitedly. I just nodded, a little dazed by how enthusiastic he was. The noiret was literally the culmination of Christmas spirit. It is that weakness for my neighbor that leads to my current panic. It mainly involves this.

_I don't have a tree._ More importantly, I don't have anything to _decorate_ said nonexistent tree with. I can't ask my parents, since they're in Canada, and my friends have no doubt used their supplies for their own decorating needs. Sitting in my car, breakfast items forgotten entirely, I decide I'll just go buy a tree. As I start up the car and begin to drive, I think about what I'm going to need. Just one of those green plastic trees and a few ornaments. Heck, maybe I'll even throw in a string of lights and a garland or two.

And then I'm in my driveway, staring in confusion at the open trunk of my car. The old station wagon has a lot of space, and I apparently decided I needed to use all of it for today's shopping trip. I swear all I did was blink, _as normal people are wont to do_, and then I was… here, staring at a carful of Christmas _stuff._ I don't know if I made this decision on my own. I don't know who did, but I'm sure it was a salesmen at the grocery store I work in. There are entire sections I've never been in, mostly because I don't care for decorating my house on the holidays. I must have raided the only section I purposely avoided.

I sigh and start the process of unpacking everything from the back of my car. I decide it'd be a good idea to _take stock_ of my new inventory as I go along. I soon regret it. I have never once in my life owned a string of Christmas lights. Not even fairy lights. Now, I've got 23 boxes of them. I must have been extremely indecisive, because they range from plain, mono colored lights to crazy rainbow themed ones that twinkle. In my count, I realize half the load in my car was ornaments. It was hard to realize just how many I had now until I was staring at the many haphazardly stacked towers of boxes in my living room. Offhandedly, I realize that I don't have any handmade ornaments like most people do. Is Hyunjoon going to find that odd?

The garlands are even more diverse than the lights. I could make twenty rainbows in various themes with the amount of shining, shimmering garlands strewn over couches and tables alike. Some, upon closer inspection, had little plastic leaves attached to them. It's kinda cute. The most confusing purchase, however, is the black tree. I didn't even know they _made_ black Christmas trees. Why I would buy one is beyond me, but again, I suspect it was some tactic from a store salesman. They probably didn't sell a lot of them. Hyunjoon was definitely going to question the tree.

Confused and curious about how much money I spent, but certain it's at least in the hundreds, I try to find a receipt. There isn't one. I must not have asked. Blackout Kevin must have decided we didn't _need_ a receipt. However, I don't have much time to ponder over my unconscious(?) decisions because there's a knock on my door. Startled, I rush over, carefully avoiding the maze I've created in my usually clean living room, and open to door to see Hyunjoon beaming at me, a crooked red hat on his head. There standard white puff ball on the end of the hat has been replaced with a sleighbell that jingles merrily when he moves. I stop staring when I realize he's carrying three boxes, swiftly taking the boxes from him and putting them in my kitchen since the living room is out of, well, _room._

Hyunjoon takes his shoes off and follows after me, jingling as he takes short steps. His mouth is dropped open when I return from the kitchen.

"You've got so much stuff," Hyunjoon exclaims. I nod and shuffle my feet. "A black tree?! That's so cool, everything will show up so well!" I just kinda stare, wondering if a statement similar to that had been what convinced me to buy the six foot monstrosity. My neighbor seems oddly pleased by the sheer amount of _things_ I'd crammed into my living room. Mostly because, as he muttered under his breath as he stared in shock, _I didn't think you would be the type to have this much._

Before I can even suggest putting up the tree, Hyunjoon is grabbing my hand and pulling me into my own kitchen, opening a box and looking inside before turning to me with a wide smile. I'm only slightly scared.

"We should make popcorn strings," he exclaims. It sounds more like a command than a suggestion.

"What," is my response. I've never in my life heard of a popcorn string.

"Popcorn strings! You know, you put popcorn on a string and put it on the tree… it's easy!"

It is decidedly _not easy._ Hyunjoon makes it _look_ easy, but it is _very hard_ to thread a needle and stab a popped kernel with the needle, _aiming for the middle, mind you_, and then proceed to slide it down the string without squishing or breaking it. Needless to say, I only manage one half decent string in the time Hyunjoon has crafted about three dozen absolutely exquisite ones. Despite the obvious quality difference, he still says it looks perfect and that it's definitely going on the tree. So we set all of his strings and my single decent one aside and begin putting up the tree. It's a six foot struggle for me, because I'd never put up a single Christmas tree in my life, but Hyunjoon doesn't mention it or laugh at me. He just helps quietly, and I wouldn't be able to explain how grateful I was for that if I tried.

And then he gets ahold of my lights. It's the first step to a Christmas tree, he explains as he threads lights between branches and ropes me into helping. He insists that the best way to learn is to do, and that he won't always be here to help me. I pointedly ignore that and try to focus on putting a string of red and green lights among the black branches. In my opinion, three strands is enough lights. In Hyunjoon's, the rest of the house needs to match the tree. At some point, he took the rest of the lights and started putting them along my walls and ceiling, wrapping them around the banister of my stairs and even managing to find my bedroom and decorate it, which he shows me when I ask him to show me where the rest of the lights are. He put one of the simple blue strands in my room, somehow guessing my favorite color and putting the most obnoxious lights in the living room and on the porch. Even though I'm pretty sure it's a fire hazard to have so many lights plugged in, I can't ask him to take anything down when he looks so happy.

The real trouble starts when he gets ahold of the garlands. He promptly unwraps one strand and uses it as a scarf. He looks elegant and beautiful and he walks around the tree, focused on wrapping it up in a rainbow of colors that really shouldn't go together so well but do anyways. The silver around his neck glitters as he moves with practiced ease, and he makes me feel clumsy and stupid as he silent fixes the few garlands I'd placed. Even having known him for less than a month, I knew it wasn't intentional. He's just in his element as he places ornaments on the metal branches. I've never felt so mediocre as I did watching him. He turns away from the tree with a beaming smile that barely dims when he sees me staring, awestruck. He looks back at the tree and then towards me, guilt flooding over his face.

"Kevin, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's fine. I've just never seen someone so good at decorating. It's like you were born just to do stuff like this," I say. He gets an odd look on his face and gives me a tight smile.

"Well, thank you, then. I don't get compliments like that much. Uhm, actually, I got you an early present, let me just grab it really quick," he says, disappearing into the kitchen. I wonder what it could possibly be until he walks back into my living room with a small, filigree cat made of silver in his hand. I almost don't want to touch it, afraid I'll break the delicate decoration. From my last encounter with the man, I'm sure that he prefers to make things for people himself. He probably either had it custom made or did it himself, because I'd never seen anything like it. He'd probably had done before he even asked if he could help with my tree, because there was no way something this intricate was made so quickly, and no shipping in the world was fast enough to get it here in the few hours between now and when he'd asked to help earlier today. I can tell it's supposed to go on the tree, but I'm afraid it'll fall, so I set it on on the table near the TV. Though I'd never tell him, the little cat's smile reminds me of him.

Satisfied with the tree, he pulls me into the kitchen and opens the last box. He pulls out packs of something brown, and by the time I realize they're gingerbread houses, there are at least thirteen on my table. My jaw drops and he smiles.

"I figured we could make gingerbread houses. These ones already have little gingerbread people, so we don't have to make any; sorry about that, I just wasn't sure if you were a baking kind of guy and I didn't want to assume, so…"

"Uh, no it's- it's cool. Uhm, I've never really made one of these, so it probably won't be very good," I say nervously. He smiles and tells me it's okay. And honestly, I mean to build at least one house, but watching Hyunjoon… I wondered if he was going to be an architect or something. I can't think of any other explanation for the way he expertly erects house after house. I decide to just decorate the gingerbread people, figuring we can let them wander around the newly made gingerbread village. Only, Hyunjoon keeps eating the people as I finish them, and I don't realize until there are only three left, two gingerhusbands and a gingerwife. He eats the woman happily and I resolutely keep the men out of his mouth as he pouts.

"Kevin," he whines, "why'd you let me eat so many?" My jaw drops.

"I didn't even realize you were eating them, and now these two poor gingermen are widows," I exclaim. He giggles happily and leans closer, nearly getting icing on his shirt.

"Hmm, well, maybe they can marry each other then," he suggests with a sly smile on his face, and suddenly I'm feeling hopeless and useless. He's like a Christmas paragon, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to live up to him. I don't think I'll ever be good enough for him, not with the way I've avoided the holidays for my entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The more italics used, the more confused and sarcastic Kevin is getting :)


	5. Window shoppers whistling merry tunes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjoon's friends were just like he expected, and nothing like he thought they'd be at the same time. They were like his friends but different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys we're almost done

It's the seventeenth, and somehow, I'm eating lunch in that same seasonal cafe with Hyunjoon and three of his friends. I don't completely recall being asked to join Hyunjoon for the lunch date, nor do I recall the journey there. Looking out the window, I hadn't been able to find my car; Hyunjoon must have picked me up. My outfit is decent, Christmas-y enough to pass a lazy inspection by most people. I'm still not sure whether my level of Christmas enthusiasm is important to my neighbor or not.

Hyunjoon is sitting next to me, looking adorable and appropriately Christmas themed. His light blue jeans have patches of red and green sewn onto them, maybe over rips? His turtleneck is white, the sleeves long enough that he has to push them off his hands to avoid staining the pale fabric. Like last time, he'd ordered a cup of hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, and this time Changmin gave him two candy canes. I asked Changmin if they had any peppermint creamer they could put in my coffee, and he looked surprised. He nodded and told me it would cost extra, and before I could tell him that was okay, Hyunjoon cut in.

"That's okay, I'm paying for his order anyways. Kevin, do you want anything else," the noiret asked, turning to me. I glanced at the menu again.

"Uhm, what's the cheesecake thing," I asked Changmin. He looked like his eyes were about to fall out of his head. Was it really that strange for even a stranger to see me ordering anything vaguely related to the holidays? I knew that if my friends were here to see it, they'd have reacted like Changmin. But they'd known me for years, and Changmin had seen me once.

"Ah, it's a vanilla cheesecake with a little bit of peppermint extract mixed in. We also drizzle red and green icing over the top. The crust is a mixture of graham cracker and gingerbread crumbs. Does that- do you think you'd like that," the waiter asked, pen poised to add it to the bill. I glanced at the rest of the table and nodded slowly.

"Uhm, yeah. Sure. It sounds nice. Could I have, uh, two slices of it? Please," I asked, nearly forgetting to add the please. Normally, I wouldn't care to be quite so polite to _Changmin_ of all people. Something about Hyunjoon made me care a little bit about what the waiter thought of me. Like, if the waiter liked me, then so would he. It didn't make any sense, but that didn't stop the thought.

"Would you like to order lunch or just the hot chocolates, latte, coffee, and cheesecake," Changmin asked. Hyunjoon ordered a large box of chicken strips and mashed potatoes with bacon and cheese, and though I didn't know much about traditional Christmas food, I was pretty sure that didn't usually qualify. I decided to let it pass and properly look at Hyunjoon's friends for the first time today.

Hongjoong was sitting across from Hyunjoon. He was the shortest of the three and had faded red hair. His ears were heavily pierced, every hole filled with some kind of Christmas related jewelry. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a green sweater. The insulated denim jacket over his sweater had lyrics from Christmas songs painted along the sleeves, little holiday themed symbols scattered around the rest of the fabric. I saw a little rendition of Rudolph on the breast pocket, and a couple of gingerbread people standing in a circle with their hands clasped. They were singing something, if the tiny music notes around them were anything to go by. I wondered if his eyes were naturally blue or if they were contacts. When he covered his mouth with his hand as he laughed, I noticed that his pinky was painted, half red and half green.

Taeyong was sitting in the middle of the three. He was a little bit taller than Hongjoong, though not by a whole lot. His hair was stark white, not a hint of dark roots in sight, and I wondered how recently he'd had his hair done. His eyes definitely looked like lenses. There was no way any Korean's eyes were naturally that bright of a blue-the color rivaled the sky. Taeyong looked really cold and imposing until you got him to laugh or talk about something he was interested in. His blue hoodie and tan pants didn't really seem appropriate for the weather, but they fit him. Oddly enough, it was his shoes that seemed most out of place. They weren't a weird color or pattern, they matched quite nicely actually. There was just something that didn't match with _him_ about them.

Mingi was sitting in front of me. His hair was still very red, much brighter than the shade Hongjoong sported. He was still just as tall as he'd been when we went caroling, and like Taeyong's shoes, there was something disturbing about seeing him without Yunho being around. I half expected the tall noiret to pop up next to him. Mingi didn't say a lot. He mostly just stared at me with this weird smile on his face. I tried to avoid looking at Mingi.

Luckily, Changmin arrived rather quickly with our order. There weren't a lot of people in the cafe right now. I sipped on my coffee and smiled. I hadn't expected to like it so much. I quietly pushed the second piece of cheesecake in front of Hyunjoon while he wasn't looking, trying to put it somewhere he wouldn't accidentally put his hand. When I successfully completed the task, I took a bite of my own cheesecake. As I lifted the bite to my mouth, my eyes flicked up to Mingi. He was smiling at me knowingly and I flushed bright red. I quickly put the cheesecake in my mouth and looked away, towards Hyunjoon. I smiled seeing that he'd noticed the cheesecake and then froze a little when he looked at me. I almost died.

His eyes were positively sparkling as he smiled at me. He didn't say anything about it, just took a bite. He covered his mouth in surprise and looked at me with wide eyes. I panicked for a moment, thinking something might be wrong, but that wasn't it at all.

"Kevin, oh my god! This cheesecake is so good! See, if you indulge a bit, you might find something you really like! You think I can convince them to give me the recipe," he said, trailing off of his excitement as he looked towards the kitchen. I cracked a smile.

"I think you could probably convince anyone to do anything for you," I said. I blushed as he looked at me with a quirked eyebrow. His lips lifted in a fond smile. He leaned a little closer, and I stopped watching what he was doing with the fork he'd just been moving suspiciously closer to my cheesecake.

"You really think so," he asked quietly. He genuinely didn't sound like he believed it. I nodded and heard the quiet clink of metal against a plate.

"Really. There's just something about you… it's really hard not to want to do everything you suggest. Maybe it's in the way you make it sound like something that doesn't matter a lot, even though it clearly does. I think it's mostly just the look of excitement you get. I know, at least personally, that it's harder to want to say no than it is to want to say yes, even if just so you don't replace excitement with disappointment," I said quietly, unable to stop the smile on my lips. He smiled and glanced down, then lifted his hand. There was a fork with a bite of cheesecake on it.

"Could I convince you to let me feed you cheesecake," he asked. I blushed but nodded. "Really? What do I have to do, then?" I was confused for a moment.

"What do you have to do," I repeated, turning his question on him.

"How do I convince you to let me feed you cheesecake," he asked again, explaining more.

"Oh… not much, really. Just say, like, you'd like it if I let you? I guess… even that's a lot more than you'd have to do," I said quietly, nearly whispering now. It was a miracle he heard it over the moderate chatter of the other customers. He smiled widely.

"Kevin Moon, I'd _really_ like it if you let me feed you this slice of cheesecake," Hyunjoon said quietly. I opened my mouth, blushing even more heavily. He should be banned from speaking. He was much more persuasive than any human had a right to be. The cheesecake tasted even better coming from him. Like he'd seasoned it with love or something cheesy like that. I was really becoming much too cheesy.

There were claps and whistles all of a sudden, and I turned my head quickly, staring in mortification at his friends. I was glad they weren't mine. I'd have never lived it down. I covered my face with my hands as I chewed on the sweet dessert. It was delicious.

"Hyunjoon, you didn't tell us you two were as close as all that," Mingi said accusingly. Hyunjoon laughed and shook his head.

"I don't need to tell you crackheads everything about my life," Hyunjoon said, his laughter coming out like the peals of a bell. It was like literal music. He should record his laughter so they could use it in holiday tracks. That seemed like a really good idea.

For the rest of the lunch date, I alternated chicken and potatoes with sips of peppermint coffee and bites of cheesecake, delivered via the Hyunjoon Express. He took every chance he could to feed me the dessert. I was pretty sure he only ate half of the slice I'd given to him, using the rest to feed me. Most days with most other people -not that I'd let anyone else feed me dessert- I'd have been offended by the entire ordeal. But Hyunjoon made it impossible to find any fault with the situation. Even his friends weren't that bad. They were just as annoying as my friends, and sure Mingi was a little creepy, but most of my friends were a lot worse than him. I felt a brief moment of guilt upon remembering that caroling on the third had been the last time I'd talked to them. I should text them soon.

Before I realized it, Hyunjoon and I were waving goodbye to his friends and heading to his car. I had indeed come with him, I'd even left the red and white mittens in his front seat. I hadn't wanted to explain them to his friends. He smiled when he saw me putting them back on.

"I thought you didn't like mittens," he said, sounding teasing as he started his car. He turned down the music on the radio. I shrugged.

"They aren't that bad. Besides, these ones are a-a gift, and they're really nice mittens. And they're- they're kinda cute," I said, trying not to mutter. I had a tendency to mutter and mumble when I was embarrassed. He hummed to the tune of the song about the snowman and then smiled widely again. My heart rejoiced upon realizing that he'd smiled so much today, and most of it was because of me. And he'd paid my part of the bill, though I'd completely planned on doing it myself this morning.

The cafe was closer to my house by a few feet, so he was able to stop in front of my house. He pulled up the the curb and put the car in park, smiling at his hands before looking at me. He turned so he was facing me more, even though it was probably uncomfortable to have the door handle pressed into his back.

"Kevin, I… I can't thank you enough for agreeing to come with me today. My friends have been really excited to meet you. I'm not sure if you could tell, but… they really liked you," he said, laughing a little towards the end and looking away. He sounded really excited, like he was having a lot of trouble keeping his voice soft but was really grateful for something. I smiled.

"Thank you for inviting me, and for paying my bill. I was gonna pay, you didn't have to do that. I kinda got the impression they liked me, though I don't know them as well as you do. You probably don't know, because you haven't been around long -I think- but I'm really not the most festive person. I've experienced a lot of new stuff thanks to you, things I definitely wouldn't have ever done if I hadn't met you. I was kidding when I said you were a hard person to refuse. But, I'm glad… I'm really glad I met you," I said. My cheeks were hot, and I knew I was blushing heavily. He smiled at me and nodded.

"Oh, do you know why Mingi was staring at me," I asked. He laughed and nodded.

"I don't make a lot of friends, so when I told them about you, they were really excited. Mingi likes to think of himself as everyone's guardian. He's sweet that way, though he can come off as intimidating, right," he asked. I nodded. He bit his lip before looking at me again. "Hey, I'm having Christmas dinner on the twenty-first. Do you wanna come over?" I was stunned. I blinked a few times, wondering why he was inviting me over; why he'd _been_ inviting me to do stuff with him. I was pretty much the complete opposite of him, and on top of that, we'd only known each other for less than three weeks. It'd be barely over by the day of his dinner. I bit my lip before nodding shyly. He smiled brightly and leaned forward, pressing an enthusiastic kiss on my cheek. I stared at him as he pulled away, and he bit his lip and smiled, laughing softly. I could hear the fondness in his voice, and I wondered how anyone could hold so much affection for someone they'd met less than a month ago. Surely Hyunjoon didn't really exist. I must be making him up.

In a daze, I stepped out of his car. As he finished the short trip to his house, I stared at him, my hand over my cheek, still clad in the red and white mittens. He looked back at me when he was on his porch and flashed me a smile I was unable to return. I was still confused. Later that night, laying in my bed and staring at the ceiling, a question would repeat itself endlessly in my head.

_Why would someone as amazing as him want to kiss someone as boring as me?_


	6. My table's been set

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin was expecting dinner with his friends and cute neighbor. 
> 
> Kevin got blindsided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the last happy chapter it gets sad. There was only one italicized word

I had assumed that our friends would come over as well. I didn't really see any reason for them not to, considering all of my friends were at least acquaintances with my neighbor and all of his had already met me. He'd mentioned that I could invite more people the next day when I saw him at the convenience store, but I hadn't taken the offer. I figured that our two friends groups would be enough people as it was.

That morning was a stressful one as I tried to figure out what to wear. I debated over whether I should wear more holiday appropriate clothes, knowing Hyunjoon would enjoy it, or clothes that my friends were more used to seeing me in, unsure that I wanted to explain the sudden change in style. In the end, I decided to go for something casual that could still be interpreted as an intentional outfit meant to fit the Christmas season. My blue jeans were halfway between light and dark, maybe slightly more towards the dark side. They clung to my legs until they got to my knees, getting loose enough at the ends to bunch up around the tops of my black boots. The red and green paint splattered across them hadn't been intentional, more a result of an impromptu paint fight a few years back when some old friends and I were working on the set for a school play. Putting them on always made me think of my friends from school, all of whom I hadn't seen since I moved. I'd shaken my head to get rid of the negative thoughts and pulled a red button up over my arms, covering the loose-fitting sleeves with a denim jacket a few shades darker than my pants. I didn't do anything with my hair before leaving and going to his house.

It was the assumption that he'd invite our friends on his own that led to this. I'm sitting on his couch, watching idly as he bustles about, cooking food. It's been three hours, and it's still just the two of us. I'm too scared to ask if anyone else is coming, because I'm secretly hoping the answer will be no and I don't want him to ask why I posed the question in the first place. More than being alone with him for the past three hours, the moment I stepped into his house he handed me a mug of steaming hot chocolate. It's the exact cup he gave me last time, and the exact brew of hot chocolate. As if he thinks the beverage is the only thing keeping me in his house, he refills it periodically. I haven't drained it once, and I can't help but wonder if he has a sixth sense for the amount of hot chocolate I've got in my cup.

In any other situation, I would have become bored and left or found something else to do. I haven't really been doing much more than sipping hot chocolate while sitting on his couch. But to be fair, sitting where I can see him from the couch, I've just been watching him. There are clusters of holly leaves and berries woven into his hair, almost like a headband, and I've been wondering if there really is a headband hidden under strands of his black hair. It hasn't moved much, but maybe it isn't a headband, considering one of the clusters is about to fall out. Truthfully, I'd have stood and offered to fix it for him hours ago, but the couch is the only place that's safe.

If Hyunjoon has a sixth sense for my hot chocolate, he definitely has a seventh for the clusters of mistletoe he seems to have hung in every nook and cranny he could possibly reach. Within the first hour, I triggered over twenty of them, simply from walking in, taking off my shoes when he told me I could, making the trip to his couch, wandering the house and looking at pictures and decorations. Until I stopped moving around, his eyes flickered to the ceiling as I walked, and out of nowhere he'd stop me with an excited shout or a soft, warm hand, kissing me. Never on the lips though, no, it was always my cheeks, my forehead, my palm or fingers or any other place that wasn't my lips.

At first, of course, I didn't mind. Who would, after all, when their crush was kissing them almost constantly? I found it more charming than anything, enjoying the way his lips would spread into a smile and his eyes would crinkle up when he smiled after kissing me. The longer it went on, though, the more frustrated I got. It felt like I was being teased or made fun of, and the fact that I could barely do anything without walking under some of the kissing plants didn't help at all. Hyunjoon only got happier and more energetic after every lip-on-skin encounter, and the frustration melted away easily when I began to realize it.

"Kevin," Hyunjoon calls suddenly. I get chills from hearing it, because it makes everything that's happened feel so much more domestic and oddly loving. "Kevin, I'm done cooking. You can come to the table now!" I stand up and set the mug on the table, and I really wonder if he truly has a sixth sense or not, because the moment I do, he yells, "and bring your hot chocolate!" So, I pick it back up and go to his table. Dinner passes in a blur, during which I constantly get surprised at the quality of the cooking he prepared. It's exquisite, and small. He clearly wasn't expecting for anyone other than me to be coming, and I wondered if he'd planned it that way on purpose, if he knew that I wouldn't invite anyone.

When we move to his couch, he already has a que of movies downloaded to watch from some site online. He starts with Elf and moves onto cheesy kids' movies, like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. His masterpiece of a Christmas tree twinkles in a distant color, every light in the house turned off save for the light of the TV and a few pinecone shaped candles burning, filling the air with cinnamon and sugar. I can't help but pay more attention to Hyunjoon than to the movies. There's so much joy in his eyes that it can't be contained, spilling over onto the rest of his face as he watches the movies. I'm not sure, but it almost seems like his eyes won't stay one consistent color.

It feels like it's only been a few minutes, but it's been hours. He runs out of movies and switches to a display of a digital fireplace. The sounds of logs crackling spill forth, and he turns the volume down until the noise sinks into the background. He grabs his phone and focuses on it intently, scrolling until a smile spreads over his face. When he taps the screen, music starts spilling from a bluetooth speaker somewhere in the living room. He turns off his phone and sets it aside as he begins to hum, clearly well-versed in every note of the soundtrack he's playing. It takes a moment to realize that it must be from The Nutcracker, a play my mother had enjoyed when I was a child. I continue to do what I've been doing; I watch.

I stare in fascination as he dances around the room, his eyes alternately flashing as green as the holly leaves in his hair and as red as the berries nestled in them. I can't help but think that if it were anyone else in a similar setting, I'd be alarmed, maybe even scared. Somehow though, it just- it _fits_ with Hyunjoon, with all the things I associate with him and the way I view him. It's just another layer to someone so interesting and unreal that I can't help but wonder if this has all just been one massive fever dream. Surely he doesn't really exist. He's too perfect, too wonderful. That doesn't stop me from realizing something.

As Hyunjoon dances around his living room, under the stern gaze of his wooden nutcracker, I realize that I'm in love with Hyunjoon and everything about him. I want to know more. I want to learn everything I could possibly learn about him. It's a wonder to me that he doesn't have anyone already, because he's just so much of everything good and wonderful and he deserves someone who loves him more than anything else.

He catches me staring and smiles, his white teeth on display as he cocks his head like a curious cat. I fumble for something to say and mention my lack of a nutcracker. Easy as anything, he promises to buy me one. I tell him he doesn't need to, that I planned to buy one on my own anyways. He insists, and I'm too weak to do anything other than agree. He moves closer, his head still tilted, and I speak again. When I do, my voice is unsteady.

"Hyunjoon, I think I might be on the naughty list," I tell him, feeling as uncertain as the wavering in my voice. His smile falters as he asks me why. I take a deep breath and explain, blushing heavily. Finally telling him the truth. "I've never really celebrated Christmas. My family has, and my friends try to force me to every year, but I never gave in. Not until this year, when they practically forced me to go caroling. I'm not festive, I really don't celebrate any holiday at all, I just- I'm like the antichrist of holiday spirit, most of the time." Hyunjoon shakes his head and calls me silly.

"Kevin Moon, I'm entirely sure that you're on the nice list," he says quietly. I want to dispute, really convince him why I can't possibly be on the nice list, but he stops me before I have the chance to do it. He kisses me full on the lips, soft and warm and tasting like he just threw up Christmas. I melt into it like butter on a warm pancake.


	7. Please come home for Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are you supposed to do when you go to give someone a gift and they're nowhere to be found?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing this!! Some day I'll go through this and edit it, fix all the tense changes and stuff I'm sorry for that it just kinda happened.

It's stupid, but after I met Hyunjoon, I ended up searching the internet for present ideas. In the process, I found a suggestion to decorate a stocking and fill it with things that reminded me of him. So, I bought a red and white Christmas stocking and that's what I've been doing in my spare time. By this point, after working on it for over three weeks, it's covered in glitter glue letters and images. It's got his name written in glittering green calligraphy, something that had been hard to do using glitter glue. There are red and silver candy canes and black and grey pinecones, poinsettias in red and gold scattered between them. After the dinner he shared with me, I added holly and mistletoe clusters, and I wrote 'The Nutcracker' in silver and gold. The entire stocking can hardly be looked at without finding some sparkly picture or letter; it's near impossible to see the red fuzz of the stocking itself unless you turn it to the back, where all it says is 'From Kevin', followed by the outline of a heart.

Being Christmas Eve, I figure it's probably time to put all the little things I'd found to remind me of him in the stocking. The stocking sits next to a box on my nightstand, waiting for me to add more to it. I pull the stocking into my lap and open the box, beginning to fill it. There are myriad cat statuettes and small statues of the things sung about in _12 Days of Christmas_, because it was the song that I'd sung at his house when we first me. I put in packets of hot chocolate mix and vouchers for coffee creamer from the store I worked out, which technically wasn't how that was supposed to work, but I would not hesitate to pay for as much coffee creamer as that man wanted. I hooked candy canes over the back and put miniature pine cone candles in the top, draping strings of popcorn between them.

When I finish, I gently set it back on my nightstand and grab the empty box, walking downstairs to throw it away. Waiting seems like torture. I text him for a while, trying not to spoil my surprise. He asks if I have any plans for tomorrow and I tell him that I don't, since my friends and I always get together to do presents the weekend after, so everyone can spend the day with their family. He expresses his regret that I'll be alone tomorrow, and I tell him it's okay because I'm used to it. I have a smile spread across my lips the entire time. After he says he has to leave, I watch movies on TV. I seem to have become hooked on lame Christmas movies, because despite all their corniness and Christmas spirit -both things that used to drive me away from holiday movies- I can't stop watching them. I keep telling myself that I'll change the channel after this movie ends, but suddenly another one starts and I promise, again, to switch channels once it's over. That cycle continues until I fall asleep around midnight, smiling softly at the sound of sleigh bells echoing from the TV.

I wake up at noon, and it takes me an hour and a half to eat breakfast and shower. I figure that since it _is_ Christmas day, I might as well wear something more holiday appropriate. I pull on jeans and a pair of long-forgotten socks that have reindeer on them. I find a sweater with the Grinch on it after digging around in my closet for a few minutes, and I pull on a candy cane striped beanie that I'd had for years. I put on the mittens Hyunjoon had given me and grab a black coat. Once it's zipped up and buttoned, I grab the stocking and walk down the stairs, grabbing my phone and keys on the way to the door. I slip on my black tennis shoes and frown down at them for a moment before deciding I should buy more colorful ones sometime. I will never admit that red and green were the first two colors to enter my mind at that thought.

With the door locked and my phone and keys in my pocket, I walk down the stairs of my porch and smile up at the lights lining my porch. Hyunjoon should open a Christmas decorating business. He'd get so much money out of that, especially as talented as he is. The walk to his house feels a lot longer than it is, and I hardly notice the snow soaking into the hems of my jeans. I smile the whole way, even when I'm standing on his porch. Everything is dark inside, and I wonder if he's still asleep when I knock on the door. I can't help humming to myself, going through the Nutcracker soundtrack as I wait. After a few minutes, I bite my lip and ring his doorbell twice. It reverberates through his house, but I don't hear anything.

I turn around and see that his car is gone. When I'm standing in front of his house, I can see that all the decorations are gone, even the lights in the little trees in his yard. I frown and pull out my phone, dialing his number without looking as I stare at his dark house. Seeing his house look like mine used to doesn't feel right. The phone rings, and rings, and it doesn't stop. I pull my phone away from my ear to check the number, and I end the call when I see that it's the right one. I open my text messages and click on the chat between Hyunjoon and I.

'joon, r u home?'

I stand on his walkway for a few minutes, waiting for a response. I don't get one. I call again, and he doesn't answer. His voice rings through my ears only when it goes to voicemail.

"Uh, hey, Hyunjoon. It's Kevin. I came over to your house, but, uh, it doesn't seem like you're here? All your lights are gone and so is your car. Did you…" I want to ask if he moved without telling me, but surely I would've noticed. "Nevermind. Just, uh, call me back when you get this, yeah?"

When I check my texts again, it still says sent.

I go back to my house and put the stocking on my nightstand. I wait for something to happen for about ten minutes before calling Byeongkwan.

"Kevin? Wow, it's been a while, hi! How are you," my friend asked. I winced.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that I just- I got distracted a lot, sorry. I'm good, I was just, uhm, wondering if you heard anything about Hyunjoon moving? He's not home and he's not answering my calls or texts, and I thought maybe-"

"Kevin, hold on. Who are you talking about," Byeongkwan asked. I blinked before gasping. Of course they wouldn't know his name! They probably hadn't paid attention when we went caroling.

"My neighbor, Hyunjoon. We met him when we went caroling on the third? He was like pretty tall and really cute, had black hair? You'd probably-"

"Kevin, you don't have a neighbor," my friend said. I paused, and the line stayed completely silent. I sat up and frowned.

"What do you mean? Of course I've got a neighbor. He works at the convenience store down the road. He decorated my house for Christmas. I met his friends. Byeongkwan, I swear-"

"Kevin, I'm telling you no one's lived in that house for years. We never went to any of the houses near yours when we went caroling. We went caroling on the other side of the street because you said that one old guy in the house to the left of yours was an asshole and you didn't wanna have to go through dealing with him," Byeongkwan said. I couldn't tell if he was trying to prank me or if he was being serious.

"Byeongkwan, are you messing with me right now," I asked quietly, unable to stop my voice from wavering.

"Are you sick? Did you get a concussion on Black Friday or something? Cross my heart and hope to die, you don't have any neighbors named Hyunjoon," Byeongkwan told me. I swallowed thickly and stood up.

"Byeongkwan, will you come to my house please? I need to show you something, okay," I asked.

"I- sure? I'll be there in a few minutes," he said. I hung up and put my phone in the pocket of my jeans. I shrugged my coat off and hung it back up. It felt like time was moving in slow motion. The clock said 2:17PM, but it felt like it had been longer. My doorbell rang and I walked downstairs. When I opened the door, Byeongkwan was standing in front of it. The shock on his face grew when he saw what I was wearing.

"Kevin, what-"

"Hyunjoon decorated my house for Christmas. I spent I don't know how much on Christmas decorations just because he asked me if I wanted any help decorating. I made gingerbread houses with him the same night, and stabbed myself nearly twenty times in efforts to make popcorn strings. I've got a fuckton of pinecone shaped candles because he gave me _one_. I can't stop putting mint coffee creamer in my drinks, even if it's just milk. I- I'm dressed like this because he loves Christmas and I like making him happy, so if wearing stupid clothes and watching stupid movies and doing stupid Christmas stuff makes him happy, I'll do it. I decorated a stocking for him and filled it with stupid shit so I could give it to him, but- he's not- he isn't home and he won't answer me and you're saying he doesn't exist but I'm trying to prove to you that he does because this stuff isn't something I'd _ever_ do on my own. Byeongkwan, I swear to you-"

"Kevin, calm down. You don't need to cry. Let's just go sit on your couch, and we can talk-"

"But you don't believe me! You think I'm crazy! I bet you didn't even recognize my house at first! You think I've got a concussion or something, but I know I don't and-"

"Kevin, please. Do you have his friends' numbers? You could talk to them. I might just be remembering wrong," Byeongkwan suggested. I wiped my eyes and my nose.

"He was friends with Mingi. Do you have Yunho's number," I asked. He nodded and pulled out his phone, dialing the number and putting it on speaker phone.

"Byeongkwan? Hey, why're you calling," Yunho asked once the call went through.

"Hey, Yunho. Is Mingi there? Kevin wants to talk to him," Byeongkwan said.

"Oh, sure! Mingi! Can you come here? Kevin wants to talk to you," Yunho said, yelling at the tall red head. "I didn't know they knew each other." Byeongkwan didn't get the chance to answer before a deep voice spoke up.

"Who wanted to talk to me," Mingi asks.

"Kevin. You met him when we went caroling with Yeosang," Yunho tells him.

"Oh. Hi? Why'd you want to talk to me," Mingi asked.

"Sorry, I just thought maybe you'd know where Hyunjoon was. He's not home and he won't answer his phone. I figured that maybe you'd know since you two are better friends than we are," I said.

"Who?"

"Hyunjoon. Heo Hyunjoon. Your friend? He's my neighbor. We went to that seasonal cafe with him, Taeyong, and Hongjoong. Hyunjoon said that he'd told you about me before then," I said.

"I- look, Kevin, I have no clue what you're talking about. I've never heard of any of those people before," Mingi told me, voice completely monotone. I frowned and a tear fell down my face. I sniffled and wiped it away.

"You guys are all in on it, huh? This isn't funny, I'm worried about him! What if he got kidnapped or something? I would've noticed him moving out, so-"

"Sorry, Yunho, Mingi. I'll talk to you guys later sometime, okay," Byeongkwan said suddenly. He ended the call and turned to stare at me. "Kevin-"

"Please leave," I said quietly. He stared at me and I pulled my legs up to my chest wrapping my arms around them. He stared even more, because I usually had a strict rule against shoes on my couch.

"Kevin-"

"No. I don't want you here if you're just going to make fun of me or mess with me. You're making me feel like I've lost my mind, but I know I haven't. Leave me alone," I demanded, trying not to break down and cry again. He sighed, sounding more frustrated than anything.

"Fine. I'm leaving, then. You don't have to bring me anything at the party this weekend, I guess, since you're so upset about me trying to help you," he said, his anger clear in his voice as he nearly storms out of my house. I only start to sob when he's been gone long enough for me to count to three.

Later, I go to the convenience store. I catch a glimpse of Taeyong, but he's already gone by the time I get to where he was. I walk back home with nothing.

I try to eat, but anything slightly decent reminds me of Hyunjoon and makes me feel like crying, so eventually I give up and sit on the couch, turning on Netflix and watching Elf. When it ends, I restart it. I keep watching it until I fall asleep.

I'm woken up by a knock on my door. A glance at the clock says it's exactly midnight, just barely the 26th of December. The knock sounds again and I jolt upright, realizing it might be Hyunjoon. I'd have sprinted to the door if there was nothing in the way, but as it was, I had to settle for walking very fast and trying not to knock anything over. When I opened the door, there was no one there. There were two packages in front of my door and footprints in the snow. Sleigh bells rang out as I stepped over the packages and ran towards the road, looking up and down the street for any sign of someone awake. There was nothing. I sighed and let my shoulders drop, pushing the packages back inside my house once I'm back at the door.

When I open the two packages, the labels on both completely blank, I find a 16 inch tall Nutcracker dressed like a gingerbread man with a little gingerbread house at his feet, and a box filled to the brim with Christmas sweaters. When I count them, I find 31 and recognize some. Hyunjoon had worn a few of them before. I can't help but think that both things are from Hyunjoon, and I wonder again where he is. I go through the sweaters and find that not all of them are the typical "ugly Christmas sweaters". Sure, some of them are, but there are also some really cute ones, as well as themed sweaters that go with various fandoms. I recognize a Harry Potter sweater, though for the life of me I wouldn't be able to tell you what house the yellow and black sweater belonged to. I let my hands fall into the box, clenched in a sweater, and I let out another sigh. I glance at the Nutcracker and stand. I set it to the left of my TV shelf, on the opposite side of the silver cat.

I fall asleep in front of the Nutcracker, my TV asking me if I'd like to restart Elf again.

I don't change clothes when I wake up. Instead, I just go to the store I work at and buy a half priced wreath and every stupid little thing I see that reminds me of my neighbor. I wonder if this is how I looked every other time I went on a Christmas related shopping spree, and as the new cashier stared at me in confusion, I figured that, yes, I probably looked like this and got these same looks.

I decorate the wreath for hours, glueing clusters of holly and mistletoe to it, wrapping garland and popcorn strings between them. I put teeny tiny little pinecones and poinsettias on it too and hang the wreath off a nail I put in the door for the occasion. I can't help the irrational hope that maybe it'll bring Hyunjoon back somehow. When I go back inside, I feel too cold inside, so I go to the kitchen and try to make hot chocolate the way Hyunjoon did. I try and try and try, and it never works. Something is always missing. I figure that if I can't get the hot chocolate right, at least I can give Elf a break and listen to the soundtrack that he loves so much. It took a long time to find the right one on Youtube, but I plugged my phone in and let the music fill my house once I had it connected to my bluetooth speaker.

I figure that I might as well waste more time waiting for him to magically appear by googling some of the things on the sweaters. By 11AM, I have the Harry Potter books and movies ordered and predicted to arrive in a few days. I browse through various animes and sigh, knowing that Hyunjoon probably watched them without subtitles. He watched all the Christmas movies without subtitles, and it hadn't bothered me since I'd grown up in Canada, but that was because I knew English. I didn't know Japanese. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to learn. It seemed difficult. I put Elf back on and watch it again, huddled up on my couch all by myself as the two sources of noise fight with each other, both trying just as hard as the other to be heard. I can't find it in myself to turn either down. The soundtrack repeats itself somewhere around the middle of the movie and I figure that maybe Changmin knows where he's at. Maybe he's talked to the waiter for some reason. He did like that cafe a lot. I leave the movie playing when I leave the house.

I get lost three times on the way, but when I see the name of the cafe, I turn and park immediately. I rush in, searching for Changmin. For a terrible second, I wonder whether he's disappeared like Hyunjoon, but then I hear someone say my name, and when I turn he's standing next to me.

"Changmin, thank god you're here," I exclaim, nearly collapsing as the tension leaks from my body. His eyes widen.

"I work here though?"

"I- yeah. I just thought that- do you know where Hyunjoon is? All his stuff is missing from his house, the decorations and his car are gone, and he won't answer my calls or texts. Everyone keeps telling me he doesn't exist, and I feel like I'm gonna lose it! It's only been a day, but-"

"Hold on, Kevin, my shift is almost over. We can talk afterwards, okay," Changmin asks. I nod and sigh in relief. He sounds legitimately worried like I am, not worried that I've lost my mind. I wait for him for a good ten minutes before he walks over to me, dressed in casual but warm clothes. Just like seeing Hyunjoon's house without decoration, seeing Changmin without his uniform is weird. "So, where do you wanna go to talk?'

"If you're fine with it, we can just go to my house," I tell him. He nods and walks out of the cafe with me. He gets in his car and follows me once I start driving. The drive passes quickly, and all too soon I'm standing outside the gate to his house. Changmin stands next to me and waits.

"This is Hyunjoon's house," I tell Changmin. He looks surprised. "That's how my house looked every year before I met him. Two days ago, his house looked like mine does, but now… I don't know. It's like he's been wiped off the face of the earth. No one knows who he is or seems to remember him. Mingi acts like he barely knows me, and I never see Taeyong for more than a few seconds before he's gone. I can't even find Hongjoong; his number is completely gone from my phone. Hyunjoon's is too, I just have his number memorized. I don't know what's happening." Changmin stayed silent for a few moments.

"Why did you come to me," he asked quietly. I shrugged and finally looked away from the dark house. I glance at Changmin and swallow, looking back at the ground.

"He liked that cafe. I thought maybe he talked to you some. I hoped he had. I keep trying to find someone who knows what happened, but everyone is just as clueless as I am. I'm so lost. I just want to know that he's okay, and I knew it was unlikely, but I hoped you'd know something. You're my last resort," I whispered.

"I don't know where he is, but I do know that he existed. I remember him. I don't know how you couldn't remember that man, honestly. He's just… he's like Christmas personified. He's so unique and memorable. There must be a reason for all of this," Changmin told me. I nodded.

I keep waiting. I only go to the Christmas party long enough to drop off presents for everyone and put mine in the car. Nothing under the tree says my name and Byeongkwan's except for the present I got him. He calls me later that day, but I ignore him and continue watching Elf with Changmin. He insists on spending time with me, doing things that Hyunjoon did, trying to keep the memories alive. Trying to keep me from going crazy for real. I leave the tree up, and I don't take down any of the lights. My electricity bill at the end of January is the highest it's ever been in my life. Anytime the decorations fall off the wreath, I put them back on or replace them. I was alone on New Year's day, still being before Changmin and I started hanging out. I can't find the strength to throw away the stocking, so it sits on my nightstand and mocks me.

I know that my friends all think I'm ill. In all the time they've known me, I've never celebrated Christmas. This year? I keep refusing to take the decorations down despite all their insistence about saving money and their questions about 'don't you hate those people that leave their decorations up past the holidays?' If they knew I was leaving carrots and celery outside at night for the reindeer, as Hyunjoon had once told me I should do, they'd probably take me to the hospital. I don't hear hooves on my roof anymore, but the vegetables are always gone, so I can't see the harm in continuing the practice. His house stays empty, and Netflix sends me some kind of message about my being the top watcher of Elf in January. I finally turn it off after watching it every day for two months in a row.

For months, I hold onto the hope that Hyunjoon is still around somehow. Even when it's March, it still feels like he's around somewhere. My mood takes a steep dive as the weather warms.

The entire time, I'd felt like he was still here, sitting in his house with everything that said Hyunjoon packed away. It had felt like maybe I could do something to get him to come back, but when the icicles started to melt, my heart began to break. Somehow, I feel like once the ice and snow are gone, Hyunjoon will be too. I find myself wishing December had never ended. I wish pointlessly that Christmas would always be just a day away, even if that meant never giving him his present.

If someone had told me on December 3rd that I'd fall in love with my neighbor, who I'd meet for the first time on that unwanted caroling trip, I would've told them they were nuts. If someone had said I'd fall for a guy that was everything Christmas wrapped up in a pretty smile and dark eyes, I would've laughed in their face and left. Except for Changmin, everyone says I'm crazy. They all try to convince me to get help for myself, and I stop talking to them. The more hotlines and doctors I'm told about, the more I'm convinced that Hyunjoon will be back, and the more friendships I lose.

November: that's when he'll be back. He moved in around November of last year, so surely he must be back in November of this year. Only, now that I'm set on November, I wish I could force it to come more quickly. It feels like waiting an eternity. Time passes, and spring comes, and my Christmas lights shine through the rain.

**Author's Note:**

> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/catfacekathryn)
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/catfacekathryn?s=09)
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> Find me here!!


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